A Year Ago Today.....

     It has been way too long since I've written on my blog. We have been so blessed this summer to be home as a family and enjoy Zoe without fevers, infections, and a swollen shunt. She is such a good baby and this busy summer is now coming to a close. I will continue her story where I left off in March eventually, but as I was putting her to bed tonight, the Lord brought some things to my heart and mind that I had to share, no matter how late it kept me up or how emotional  it might make me. I realized that today is August 18th and that a year ago today, Troy and I walked into Dr. Goodarzi's office for a checkup and to find out if we were having a boy or girl. There were no other thoughts going through my head except joy and expectation. As I laid on the table during my ultrasound and saw the pictures of my baby, I knew so little of what the coming year held for us. As the ultrasound tech spent, what I felt, way too long on the baby's head, I had a mother's intuition that something was not right and when Dr. Goodarzi came in a few minutes later, those feelings were confirmed. He said the word that would be said thousands of more times and the word that will always be attached with my little girl....Hydrocephalus. I had never heard this word or had no knowledge of this condition until August 18th, 2011. Dr. Goodarzi was so wonderful and had us booked into OSU Hospital the very next day. Little did I know this would be the first of many trips to OSU for ultrasounds and various other tests. Little did I know these people at OSU would be such an incredible support to us and walk us through this difficult time. Troy and I walked out of Dr. Goodarzi's office in fear and in shock. We sat in our car for a good 1/2 hour and just cried and tried to grasp what had just happened. It was a pivotal point in our lives and in our marriage. It was a time where we were either going to run to God or run from Him. It is at these times when our faith is tested and made pure. Am I going to believe that God is who He says He is and the He loves us? We decided at that moment we were going to trust God and more importantly do what we needed to do with this little life that God had given to us, no matter what happened. It sounds very easy, but walking it out is not.

A year ago today..............
I cried so hard I had a headache
I got on the internet to research a condition I knew nothing about (big mistake)
I hugged Emma a little tighter
I wanted my mom and missed her even more than I thought I ever could
I felt like I was in a deep pit of unanswered questions (sometimes I still feel that way)
I fell deeper in love with my husband
I barely slept
I got to know my Savior better
I could have never known how beautiful my little girl was when I saw her
I could have never known all the wonderful people God would bring into our lives..including the Matheneys, a sweet family that lives in Zanesville that has a child with hydrocephalus and the Elrod family in Georgia who have an amazing foundation that has helped my family and countless others during a difficult time (and make the cutest bracelets!)...not to mention all the Doctors, Nurses, Social Workers, Patient Care Assistants, and Chaplains who became like family to us at Nationwide Children's Hospital
I could have never known that my child would spend more of her life in the hospital than out and go through countless surgeries and all the tears I would cry sitting in waiting rooms, ERs, surgery prep, and hospital rooms.
I could have never known the joy my little girl would bring to us and all who meet her.
I could have never known how much Emma loves her and what a good big sister she would be
I could have never known how her laugh and her smile make everything worth it..........


    Like I said before...I intend to get back to business of recording Zoe's journey, but for right now, I'm going to reflect on how good my God is and how a year ago today, I had a turning point in my faith very similiar to when my Mom passed away. I'm so glad I chose Him and I'm so glad I pressed closer to Him despite the pain and the uncertainties. Faith is messy and it often feels like that scene in Indiana Jones where you don't see anything under you but you step out anyway. He is always there to catch you and wrap you in His arms. God is who He says He is and He is worthy of our complete trust. He is big and strong enough to take all our pain and questions and all our "stuff". One of my favorite quotes is by Corrie Ten Boom who said "There is pit so deep that He is not deeper still".  She said this after being in a concentration camp and losing everything that was precious to her. The truth is that at some point in all of our lives, our foundation will be shaken and what we think and believe will be challenged. God is still working on me and I'm beginning to realize that my biggest enemy is complacency and numbness. I never want to take one moment for granted.

1Thess 5:16-24
"Rejoice always, ¹pray continually,  give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not treat prophecies with contempt  but test them all; hold on to what is good,  reject every kind of evil. May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The One who calls you is faithful, and he will do it. "

Thank you Lord for "One Year Ago Today" !